Monkey Food

Do you have any idea how much food three teenaged monkeys and one Ape King can consume in one day? It's amazing the amount of food that slides down their throats. I've become something of a grocery physicist. I've developed my own theorum called the "Theory of Monkey-Food Relativity". I've theorized that the amount of food consumed by three teenaged monkeys is directly proportional to the amount of food in the refrigerator at any given moment. I also theorize that monkeys must be born blind, because no matter how much food is in the refrigerator, they will stand before the refrigerator holding the door wide open and exclaim, "There's nothing to eat!"

There is also mystery and intrigue involving food consumption on Monkey Island. Usually, these are of a Whodunnit nature. "Who ate the last (insert mystery food item here)," is a basic, daily mystery. This weekend, we had a more complicated mystery. The Mysterious Apple Pie Caper.

The girlfriend of the Monkey Prince, in gratitude for the hospitality extended to her on our recent ski trip, baked a lovely apple pie for the monkey family. Unfortunately, the Princeling did not make this bit of information known to anyone else. On Sunday evening when we drove the Prince's girlfriend home, Baby Monkey and Middle Monkey waited patiently in the car while the Princeling walked the charming young lady to the door. No one paid much attention until the moment when the Princeling turned toward the car and began walking with a tantalizing foil-wrapped package. What could that be? The younger monkeys were intrigued. They sensed approaching food. The Monkey Prince got into the van with the delicious little package and declared that he had been gifted with an apple pie. Pie! Oh, my! The other monkeys were excited! However, they were also very, very tired from their day of skiing. By some unimaginable grace from above, they did not claw or grab at the pie. In fact, they fell almost into a stupor, and a few minutes later when we pulled into our driveway, they simply got out of the van and went inside.

Yet, the pie was not quite forgotten. The next morning, Baby Monkey asked me if there was still pie. I didn't know. I had forgotten about it, and the Princeling had the pie anyway. I thought it was for him. An entire pie for one monkey seemed a bit much, but it was his pie afterall. I didn't think about it again . . . until Tuesday.

I had been out most of the evening at yet another scout-related meeting. When I returned, I found an empty pie plate in the sink. I thought the Princeling had finished off his dessert. I came across Kong who proceeded to tell me that Middle Monkey and Baby Monkey had consumed the pie. "Does the Monkey Prince know this?" I asked. Kong said he didn't know, but he wasn't going to be the one to tell him. The Prince's girlfriend rides the bus home with Baby Monkey, and earlier that day she had asked him how the pie was. Baby Monkey was shocked, I'm sure, that he had completely forgotten about the pie. He was also very interested to learn from the girlfriend that the pie was for the family and not just for the princeling. At some point in the evening, while the Monkey Prince was in his cage upstairs, busily sending instant messages and talking on his cell phone, the other two monkeys explored the refrigerator for probably the first times in their lives. The pie had been hidden in the lowest recesses of the refrigerator nearest the vegetable bin, in a spot rarely visited by the monkeys. But had discovered the treasure! According to Kong, the two monkeys must have decided that the pie was for the family, but didn't bother to consider if it was for ALL of the family. They being family members, were entitled to pie. And apparently they were entired to ALL of the pie. I never even saw the pie unwrapped! It must have been delicious.

And poor Kong. I do sympathize with him. He can't cook, and so he's left to forage when no food has been prepared for him. Kong is also an accountant, and tax season has begun. At the beginning of January each year, I do feel a bit of pity for him and prepare food for him to eat when he arrives home late in the evening. Last night I made a lovely dish of baked Tilapia and cous cous. I had my portion before leaving for the scout meeting. It was delicious. Middle Monkey, who loves fish, had some, too. The other two monkeys ate Hamburger Helper. They can cook, but they aren't gourmets. Baby Monkey made the meal, but neglected to drain the fat after browning the meat. Still, the Princeling and the Baby ate the greasy stuff and were satisfied. While I was at the meeting, Kong returned and foraged for dinner. Later when I came home and finally had a moment to discuss the day with him, I asked how he liked the fish.

"What fish?"

"The baked Tilapia that I left for you."

"For me? What? I threw that out."

"What??? Why did you throw that out?"

"I thought that was leftover from Christmas Eve."

"Dear Lord! Why would I still have leftovers from Christmas Eve, and why would I heat them up and leave them for you now?"

"I dunno. But I ate a lot of Hamburger Helper. I thought maybe you were trying to kill me and collect the life insurance money."

Now, that's a thought, and maybe the greasy Hamburger Helper will take care of that eventually.