Got Milk?

I went to the refrigerator this morning to get some milk for my cereal. All the monkeys and Kong had left for the day. I had been up until 1:30 a.m. working. I was tired. All I wanted was a little cereal and milk. According to my Weight Watchers plan, I'm entitled to 3/4 cup of cereal and a 1/2 cup of non or low fat milk. Just a stinkin' 1/2 cup. That's all I needed.

Ha! Not a drop in the house! It was all gone. Where'd it go? Into the monkeys. Teenage monkeys swill milk. On monkey island, the milk is mostly consumed via the cereal route. Most days I'm lucky if I can find cereal, but that's for another posting. When it comes to male monkeys, it's all about the cereal and milk diet. We average 1.25 boxes of cereal and 1 gallon of milk consumed each day on monkey island. Of that, I'd say the largest percentage disappears down the gullet of the Monkey Prince, but I doubt Baby Monkey is far behind. Middle Monkey, being Asian, is not as addicted to milk, but he can have his cereal moments from time to time.

Over the years, I've tried to slow down the milk consumption on monkey island. Early on I stopped buying whole milk. No one really noticed the change to 2%, and even 1% had little impact. So I switched to nonfat milk. That's right. White water. My father had heart disease, and when I was growing up, my mother was obsessive-compulsive about fat in our diets. Most of my childhood was spent drinking skim milk, so I've never had a problem with it. I thought, skim milk would be the solution to my milk-depletion problem. I like skim milk. I actually prefer. But the monkeys? I was sure that they'd hate the stuff. Everyone does. The first time I introduced skim milk at the table, the monkeys set out a screech and chatter like you wouldn't believe! "What is this stuff?" "Is there something wrong with this milk?" "You can see through this glass of milk!" "Did this milk really come from a cow?" I thought I had done it. It seemed that they did not like skim milk. I actually had a gallon of milk last about two days. I was elated! Milk on my cereal whenever I wanted!

Oh! But it was not to be! Their palates quickly adapted to the lack of slick milk fat sliding down their throats. Not that monkeys have highly developed palates to begin with. Afterall, it was the Monkey Prince who invented pepperoni and marshmallow fluff roll-ups.

I don't know why I remain hopeful after all these years. I've considered buying a cow, but I think there are zoning restrictions in my residential neighborhood. Instead, I make nearly daily trips to the dairy aisle at my local grocery store. Why not just buy several gallons of milk at once, you ask? Oh, sweet, innocent reader! Because, whether I buy one or ten gallons of milk per day does not matter. All will be consumed before the stroke of midnight. The milk consumption rate is directly related to supply. It matters not whether there is one gallon or ten in the refrigerators in our home. (Yes, we have more than one refrigerator.) The monkeys can't help themselves. They are addicted to milk. They cannot control themselves.

In the meantime, I've had no breakfast. I'm hungry. I will probably fall off my points allowance for the day, because without my planned cereal and milk, I will resort to something fattening and decadent for breakfast, causing me to become depressed and hopeless by lunchtime, causing me to further over-indulge at the noon hour, mid afternoon, and at dinner. By the end of the day, I will be 348 points over my daily allowance of 26. By tomorrow's weigh-in, I will be 10 pounds over my previous charted weight, and I may be suicidal. And it's all because the monkeys swill milk.